Dedicated to culture and critical thought since 1998


by J. Rhodes

     I believe four year olds should be beaten by maniacal mothers who freak out over shopping. Too many of us take life for granted. I applaud Uncle Dave for snatching that future whore and whooping her into extinction. You have nothing but now. We should kill every Iraqi-American and rape their babies with pitchforks so fools know we ain’t playing. Rip it up, brothers and sisters. I hope you get into a car crash and smell the stench of death feces. Rock it ‘til six in the morning, being sure to knock them boots good and proper. Why don’t you believe in anything? 

   I have yarn and I’m not afraid to use it.

   I wish thee wEll in your supernatural pretend.

Follow the folly,

                 Drink and be jolly,

   Everyone is Santa Claus. Everyone is Jesus. Everyone is Carlton Sheets. Everyone is Osama. Everyone is Oprah. Pick up your grins and use them without discretion. Secrete your dreams into reality, man…

   Gay people are cool but they walk funny. Believe and you can achieve. The bible is fiction and hard to read when high on dank chronic nuggets. Keep going, don’t stop, keep going, don’t stop. I love what you do for me, Toyota. Bang a gong. I will choke the next person who says, ‘stupid is as stupid does’. I know many stupid people who don’t do shit like Bob Dole and Christopher Reeve. Maybe you’ll catch cancer tomorrow. I love all of you because all of you are me, we are all one and must believe in miracles. Go for it! Amen.

   To merely say time is relative to the infinite would be taking the easy way out. I have found that everyone has missed the point and believes thinking could lead to things too weighty to mindfully meander…I have spit and I’m not afraid to use it. I wish everyone were dead except for me and this list of past and present and future people:

v     My dog Lindsay

v     Richard Farina

v     Debbie from the Dallas movies

v     Pat Benetar

v     Mother Teresa – I always thought she would make a great lay.

v     Dave Chapelle

v     Trey Anastasio

v     Emily Nickles

v     And Jerome Lester Horowitz – Curly the drunk stooge

v     God’s babies

   God stinks. We’re all guts and glory and the morning after doesn’t mean much without a stimulating epiphany. Musical chairs prepares one for reality….sometimes there just isn’t a fucking seat….I have found that tickling yourself in public results in unlawful titillations….I have never poured out a little liquor for my homies who be dead and gone. I poured in a little liquor and felt me feel like them. We are all skeletons of the same quandary. I have a spiget and she has a widget. I want to impregnate 1000 women and pay child support with bear hugs. I wish it rained blood and in order to survive we had to suck raindrops. Nobody would live in Southern California….Land of the Scabs….I hope the BIG ONE occurs in my lifetime….falling into the sea,



Gross, it’s all gross…

   I’m sick of it, are you? I don’t know you but I want to rub your pussy hole. It should be that simple. No fluid exchange, just a brief squigee….